1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:07,484 So how do the eggs look today? 2 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,885 All right. 3 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:12,922 Why don't you let Me have 3,000 dozen? 4 00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:18,728 Uh, yeah, and also 1/2 ton of bacon... 5 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:22,099 1,600 pounds of potatoes... 6 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:24,567 One toasted english. 7 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:29,672 And, uh, 1,500 gallons Of florida orange juice. 8 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,109 Yeah. Bye. 9 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,378 Are you ordering Breakfast for manhattan? 10 00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:37,380 No. 11 00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,749 It's commodities, barney. 12 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,083 Oh, really? 13 00:00:41,107 --> 00:00:43,653 Yeah, I got tired of doing Just stocks and bonds. 14 00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,123 There's a lot more action In the commodities market. 15 00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:48,358 It's a lot riskier, Too, isn't it? 16 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:51,595 Well, I mean, you got to Know the right ones to buy. 17 00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:55,698 I thought the... The hot Commodities were the grains... 18 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:59,436 Oats, alfalfa, buckwheat. 19 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:03,206 You forgot farina and spanky. 20 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,607 Very clever. 21 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,544 Hey, listen, uh, maybe You can use it here. 22 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,013 It's from the p.A.L. 23 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:13,015 They're staging their Annual benefit variety show, 24 00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:16,786 And they're looking for cops With some performing background. 25 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,722 I do a pretty good Goethe impression. 26 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:23,192 "Take my soul, please." 27 00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:25,061 Uh, barney, back in college, 28 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:28,031 Didn't you, uh, used To do a little singing? 29 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,732 Me? No. 30 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,768 Oh. 31 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:34,037 What do you say? 32 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,938 Well, not me. 33 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,106 I'm a cop. 34 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,708 What about wojo? 35 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:40,643 Forget it. 36 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:44,214 All right. Maybe next year. 37 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,282 You're the one who Started the whole thing! 38 00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:48,117 Why don't you just Tell the truth?! 39 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,520 I mean, the guy must be Nuts! What are you, nuts?! 40 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,321 Take it easy! 41 00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:53,623 What have we got? 42 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:57,694 Uh, this one is philip pollock. 43 00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,595 I picked him in Washington square park, 44 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,530 And he's charged with Assault and battery. 45 00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:03,332 He just jumped me for no reason. 46 00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:04,668 He knows why! 47 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:08,705 According to a hot-dog Vendor who saw it happen, 48 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:12,742 Kelso here was walking Along the sidewalk by himself 49 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:16,179 When pollock came up behind him And grabbed him around the neck. 50 00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:18,748 I asked him to please Just take my wallet. 51 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,450 He wouldn't! 52 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,685 When I got there, 53 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:24,020 Pollock had him on the Ground in a hammerlock. 54 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,789 I had to stop him! 55 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,056 From what? 56 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,358 There was a lady In front of him. 57 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,693 He was about to steal her purse! 58 00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,161 He's crazy! 59 00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:32,595 He's crazy. 60 00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:39,236 Was he, uh, reaching For the purse? 61 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,303 No. 62 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,105 Well, was he Approaching the lady? 63 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,874 Was he, uh, making some Kind of hostile gesture? 64 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,209 Not yet, but he Was thinking of it. 65 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:48,144 How do you know? What are you... Psychic? 66 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:53,282 Yes, I am! 67 00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:56,319 I have the gift of precognition. 68 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,320 I see. 69 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,788 So do I. 70 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,591 It's nothing to brag about. I was just born with it. 71 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,127 And, uh, the woman? 72 00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:06,897 Well, uh, supposedly, She kept on walking. 73 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,800 She was late for a Dental appointment. 74 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,302 Thank you. 75 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,404 All right, mr. Kelso. Have a seat over here. 76 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,372 Sergeant harris will Take your statement. 77 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,909 Captain, we got a Disturbance on sixth avenue. 78 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,510 Barney: uh, you and levitt. 79 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,178 All right, mr. Pollock. 80 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,981 I'm afraid sergeant Wojciehowicz is... 81 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:27,050 I know... He's going to book me. 82 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,074 Which desk? 83 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,587 There can't be two of you. 84 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,594 - okay... - october 15th, 1946. 85 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:09,941 - uh... - harrisburg, pennsylvania. 86 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,190 I can't help it. 87 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,547 Sure. 88 00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,499 I know that it's Hard for somebody 89 00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:25,603 Who doesn't have the Gift to understand it. 90 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,560 Yeah, yeah. 91 00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,441 Let me give you an example. 92 00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:35,912 It's like... It's like The commercial, 93 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,548 You know, with the guy And the girl in the elevator, 94 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,817 And the girl is thinking, 95 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,218 "Cute guy. Wonder why he Keeps scratching his head? 96 00:05:43,242 --> 00:05:44,587 Maybe he's got dandruff." 97 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:45,855 Yeah, yeah. 98 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,645 Well, I hear that. 99 00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:52,762 Uh... 100 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:55,098 Let's get finished with The report, all right? 101 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,333 All right. 102 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,197 You can go first, if you like. 103 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:04,507 03432-1878. 104 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,298 Sorry. 105 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:10,512 I'm telling you, this is Destroying our civilization! 106 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:11,948 All right. Move it inside. 107 00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,082 Move what? 108 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,383 Just get in there. 109 00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:17,219 Captain, this is ronald hanna... 110 00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:20,322 Disorderly conduct and Destruction of private property. 111 00:06:20,346 --> 00:06:23,059 He was riding on a bus And ripped down that ad. 112 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,829 "Aunt sally's Kosher-style pickles." 113 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,597 For two years, I've been staring 114 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:30,566 At that travesty of The english language. 115 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:33,169 Read it. 116 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:37,540 "Aunt sally says, 'my pickles Are the tongue-teasingest, 117 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:42,211 The lip-smackingest, and The crun-crun-crunchiest.'" 118 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,213 I want her arrested. 119 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,817 Mr. Hanna's a professor of Linguistics and english at nyu. 120 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,018 Oh. 121 00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,486 The english language 122 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:53,389 Is one of the most beautiful And expressive of all tongues. 123 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,558 But it's being corrupted and Debased by its chronic misuse. 124 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,828 Manufactured lingo, like that... 125 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,664 Dull-witted clichés, Redundancies, 126 00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:03,666 Mindless phraseology. 127 00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:06,502 "Save up to 50% and more!" 128 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,538 What does that mean? 129 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,806 I really don't know, Mr. Hanna, but... 130 00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:14,210 Captain, it's not just a matter Of a stupid pickle slogan. 131 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,679 The manipulation of language Is one of the primary methods 132 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:20,783 Used by those in power to Confuse and divert the public. 133 00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,852 A false statement isn't a lie. 134 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,187 It's simply "No Longer operative." 135 00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:27,824 "War" becomes "Pacification." 136 00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,224 And "Bombing"... 137 00:07:29,248 --> 00:07:32,995 "The vertical deployment Of antipersonnel devices." 138 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,364 Well, you got some valid Points there, professor. 139 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,567 But I'm afraid we're gonna Have to book you anyway. 140 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:38,901 But I have a seminar at 3:00. 141 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,270 Hopefully, you'll be Out of here by then. 142 00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:43,105 - "Hopefully"? - I can't guarantee it. 143 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:47,342 "Hopefully" means "With Hope," captain, not "I hope." 144 00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:49,144 Did you mean that I will Be out of here with hope? 145 00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,047 No! You meant that you Hope that I will be out of here! 146 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:53,148 Right. I hope so. 147 00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:55,585 I'm sorry if I was a bit sharp. 148 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,653 But a tiny mistake like that, 149 00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:00,356 Well, it makes Me a little crazy. 150 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:06,161 Irregardless, want to Have a seat over there? 151 00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:09,298 Captain, should I put a Warrant out for aunt sally? 152 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,433 Huh? 153 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:14,003 Did you ever taste her pickles? 154 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,205 If you need me, I'll be downstairs... 155 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,929 Sitting quietly. 156 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:24,580 This day has been a nightmare. 157 00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:28,751 First, I was walking down 6th avenue this morning. 158 00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:31,020 A sign in a bank window 159 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:35,391 Was offering free gifts. 160 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,594 What other kind Of gifts are there? 161 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,129 Address? 162 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,731 514 east 25th street. 163 00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,134 Then when I went to lunch, 164 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,704 Do you know what The specials were? 165 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:54,732 Steak o' bob and filet o' fish. 166 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:56,945 I agree with you, 167 00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:58,814 That language has Deteriorated sharply 168 00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,449 In recent years, 169 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,185 But let's get through with this. 170 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,419 Certainly. 171 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,575 Next o' kin? 172 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,427 What do you mean, eggs Have dropped 11 cents? 173 00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:15,264 I thought they were The perfect food! 174 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,599 Nah, don't sell me out. 175 00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:20,269 Listen, if you need more Cash to cover the margin, 176 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,571 Just give me a call back, okay? 177 00:09:22,595 --> 00:09:24,807 Yeah. 178 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,213 I never eat eggs. 179 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,613 You know, it's people like you 180 00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:34,605 Who are wreaking Havoc with this economy. 181 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:37,887 Hey, barn? 182 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:38,921 Yeah? 183 00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:42,491 I checked pollock Here for priors. 184 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,259 He's clean. 185 00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:47,797 But at the same Time, I checked kelso. 186 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,032 13 previous arrests... 187 00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:54,370 9 of them for purse snatching. 188 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:57,840 Is that relevant? 189 00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:00,510 I'm telling you, He attacked me... 190 00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:01,711 For no reason! 191 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:04,046 Well, if he did, he sure Picked the right guy. 192 00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,315 Uh, who is the victim Here... Him or me? 193 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,918 I'm not so sure. 194 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:12,956 You sign that complaint yet? 195 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,824 Oh, I haven't decided yet. 196 00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:18,827 When I do, you'll be The first to know... 197 00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:20,685 Probably. 198 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,003 I'm gonna go out to lunch today. 199 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,138 Okay. 200 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:30,974 No, you're not. 201 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,208 Excuse me? 202 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,743 I feel that something's Gonna stop you. 203 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:38,747 I sense a gloomy, Overbearing presence nearby. 204 00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:42,485 Mr. Pollock, I... Afternoon, men! 205 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:46,088 Inspector luger. What A pleasant surprise. 206 00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,357 Of course it is, har! 207 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,593 - barney. - inspector. 208 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:53,496 - wojo. - how you doing, inspector? 209 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,600 God bless poland. 210 00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,968 Thank you, inspector. 211 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:02,771 What brings you down, inspector? 212 00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:05,408 Well, I got a few things here 213 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:08,076 I'd like to go over With you, barn, 214 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,980 You know, in my capacity As media liaison officer. 215 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,549 I'm really sorry, inspector. 216 00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:16,018 But I was... I was just Heading out for lunch. 217 00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:18,053 Hmm. Ahh. Okay. Good deal. 218 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,223 No reason why we can't Go through this stuff 219 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,690 Over some chow, huh? 220 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:25,294 What do you say we ankle up to The oyster bar in grand central? 221 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:29,898 Uh, maybe it would be better To, uh, do it in my office. 222 00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:32,735 Hey, whatever you say, barn. 223 00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:39,375 Only you already had Me slurping them oysters. 224 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,977 Barn, robbery in progress... A liquor store on bleecker. 225 00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:43,841 All right. Uh, you and harris. 226 00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:47,817 Here, here, here, here. 227 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,652 No! Don't go! 228 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,920 We got to. 229 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:53,956 No, no, not you. 230 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,691 Him! 231 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,915 Don't go out! 232 00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,331 Why not, mr. Pollock? 233 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,566 I don't know, 234 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,790 But something terrible Is going to happen. 235 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:12,275 You know this man is Seriously disturbed? 236 00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:14,142 You still want to go? 237 00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:15,886 Yeah. Sure. 238 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,643 It's been fun. 239 00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:37,266 Inspector. 240 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,702 Forgot all about the Old inspector, huh, barn? 241 00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,303 No. As a matter of fact... 242 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,673 Sitting here, all Alone, 20 minutes... 243 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,041 Nothing to do 244 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:49,011 But stare at an empty Bottle of aftershave lotion. 245 00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:50,546 As a matter of fact, 246 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:54,049 I went downstairs and picked Us up a couple of sandwiches. 247 00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:55,651 Oh. Good thinking, barn. 248 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,953 They're out of the machine, But... What have we got? 249 00:12:57,977 --> 00:13:00,022 Well, there's egg Salad or olive loaf. 250 00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:03,892 Ah. They finally sold it, huh? 251 00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:07,929 Thanks, barn. 252 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:15,871 So... What were You arrested for? 253 00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:17,573 Preventing a mugging. 254 00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,441 Ooh. 255 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,043 How about you? 256 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:26,048 Defending the integrity Of the english language. 257 00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,817 Doesn't seem quite fair. 258 00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:30,152 Unfortunately, it's often 259 00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:33,022 The very people who are Trying to preserve the society 260 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:36,025 Who are the first to Be persecuted by it. 261 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,082 Ain't it the truth? 262 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,480 It was nice talking to you. 263 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,037 So... 264 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,340 Every week, barn, I got to Hand out these news releases 265 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,143 To the gentlemen of The press, you know? 266 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,680 Keep them up-to-date on the Workings of the department, 267 00:13:57,704 --> 00:14:00,183 As if it's any of Their business. 268 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,450 Huh? 269 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,085 Yeah. 270 00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,420 But it ain't easy, barney. 271 00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:08,491 You know, I'm supposed to Summarize all the decisions 272 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,692 That come down From the review board, 273 00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:14,964 Like, uh... Oh, forget it. 274 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,732 Oh, yeah. Yeah. Here it is. 275 00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:20,302 Yeah, this rotten apple From the 2nd precinct, barn. 276 00:14:20,326 --> 00:14:22,705 Been on the force 25 years. 277 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,675 All this time, he's Taking kickbacks, 278 00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:28,410 Shaking down the Local merchants. 279 00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,147 The review board nails him 280 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:35,217 With 64 separate Counts of "Misconduct." 281 00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:38,587 I thought I'd just Sum it all up by saying, 282 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,590 "Police officer retires." 283 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,126 Pretty much says It all, huh, barn? 284 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:45,894 Pretty much. 285 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:47,295 Yeah. 286 00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:50,266 Oh. Oh. And here's A doozy, barney. 287 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:53,569 This is about the Departmental allocation 288 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:56,505 About who's gonna get the Bulletproof vests, you know? 289 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:57,807 It almost sounds like 290 00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,476 The department's playing Favorites or something. 291 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,345 Inspector, uh... Didn't You say something 292 00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:05,815 About wanting to Discuss something with me? 293 00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:07,215 Right. 294 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,851 Concerning me? 295 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,720 Oh, no. No, no, not Concerning you, barn. 296 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,589 You never give me any problems. 297 00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:16,292 It's just that I thought Maybe you wouldn't mind 298 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,527 Giving me a little Hand with this stuff... 299 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,563 You know, try to Make it sound good. 300 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,630 Aw, inspector. 301 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,732 Really, that kind of writing 302 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,636 Should really be Done by one person. 303 00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:28,036 Styles, you know. 304 00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:31,106 Yeah. Right, barney. 305 00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:34,710 All right. I'll be back When you're finished. 306 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:38,180 I'm just kidding, barn. 307 00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:41,739 Here. Come on. I'll help you. 308 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,444 Lefty? 309 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,297 Can I help you? 310 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,299 I'm roger joyce, Marketing director 311 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,334 Of aunt sally's Kosher-style pickles. 312 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:01,703 Oh. We were Expecting aunt sally. 313 00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:04,774 She doesn't get out a lot. 314 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,942 Barn? 315 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:10,479 I need another word Here for "Extortion"... 316 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,782 You know, something that Don't sound so negative. 317 00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,151 Yes? 318 00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,620 Uh, excuse the interruption. 319 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,489 Mr. Joyce of aunt sally's Is here. You want to... 320 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,723 Yes. Yes. 321 00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:24,293 Uh, inspector, Excuse me. I've got to... 322 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,161 Oh, sure. Okay, barney. 323 00:16:26,185 --> 00:16:30,199 Go ahead. I'll be right here. 324 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,968 Uh, mr. Joyce, I'm captain miller. 325 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,670 I was in aunt sally's kitchen When I heard about this. 326 00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,606 And I'm still Thoroughly confused 327 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,275 As to why anyone would Take such a violent action 328 00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:41,376 Against our product. 329 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,179 You can't say things like that! 330 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,447 Apparently, mr. Hanna Took exception 331 00:16:45,471 --> 00:16:47,549 To some of your Advertising copy. 332 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,718 But it's all true. 333 00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:52,454 Our pickles are the Tongue-teasingest, 334 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:56,125 Lip-smackingest, Crun-crun-crunchiest. 335 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,327 We couldn't say It if it wasn't so. 336 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,363 Uh, I don't think that's What mr. Hanna had in mind. 337 00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:04,400 Independently conducted Tests and surveys 338 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,335 Have proven conclusively 339 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:10,705 That when it comes to flavor, Texture, and crunchability, 340 00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:16,478 No other pickle comes Close to aunt sally's. 341 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,380 I take it aunt sally Is pressing charges? 342 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:19,881 Yes, she is. 343 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,283 This way. 344 00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,685 Uh, before we Proceed any further, 345 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,621 I-I think I should tell You that, in reality... 346 00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,958 There is no aunt sally. 347 00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:30,893 Oh? 348 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,394 We made her up. 349 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,497 I see. 350 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:38,533 There's nothing wrong with That. It's common industry practice. 351 00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,903 Um, it adds a homey, Personal touch 352 00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:44,673 That most people Seem to fall for. 353 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:47,031 Have a seat over there. 354 00:17:53,439 --> 00:17:55,617 There's no sergio Valente, either. 355 00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:58,109 I just talked to him yesterday. 356 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,491 No pacing. 357 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,326 I'm sorry, but I can't help it. 358 00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:06,495 I'm trying to work Off my psychic energy. 359 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,663 Do it sitting down. 360 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,164 It's just that sometimes 361 00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:11,233 The thoughts and The premonitions 362 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:15,204 Start coming so fast, Working into my head. 363 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,505 Oh, my god. 364 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,740 What's the matter? Something's coming. 365 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:19,774 Something good? 366 00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:23,378 An earthquake... Roads buckling... 367 00:18:23,402 --> 00:18:26,781 Buildings in rubble, People running, screaming! 368 00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,717 How could this happen in iowa?! 369 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:29,818 Take it easy. 370 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,720 I see headlines. 371 00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:35,257 Numbers going Up... 21, 23, 27... 372 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,458 Prime rate. 373 00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:39,762 32, 36, over 40 billion served! 374 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,630 Or prime meat. 375 00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:43,899 Wars! Economic collapse! 376 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,869 People rioting for food! 377 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:53,175 Oh, my god, they've Canceled "Lou grant." 378 00:18:53,199 --> 00:18:57,112 I see sergeant Harris... In trouble. 379 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,047 He's in danger. 380 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,749 He's going down! 381 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,618 He's falling! 382 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,086 Plummeting! 383 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:05,110 Telephone. 384 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,357 The images are scrambling. 385 00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:11,626 I-I can't tell what it is. 386 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,361 Something's coming! 387 00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:15,998 You're just... Ohh... 388 00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:18,433 For god's sake, Somebody help him! 389 00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:20,636 Mr. Pollock, Just... Just sit down. 390 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,638 I sense resentment in the room! 391 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,439 Frustration! 392 00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:27,075 Olive loaf! 393 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,544 Luger?! 394 00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,978 Luger! 395 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:34,382 Uh... Do your own damn work! 396 00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:36,719 Now, cut that out, Mr. Pollock! You just cut it out! 397 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:41,623 Sit down before you Embarrass yourself further! 398 00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:43,180 I'm sorry. 399 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,664 Look who's back. 400 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,499 You're all right! 401 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,601 I'm sorry. 402 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,169 Get inside, guinness. 403 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,938 Well, that sounds reasonable. 404 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,505 What do you got? 405 00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:00,242 Well, this is, uh, John guinness. 406 00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:02,544 Tried to hold up A dodds liquors. 407 00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:03,812 When we got there, 408 00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:06,614 He was still waiting for The clerk to open the safe. 409 00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:09,785 I'm standing there, I mean, With this tiny little gun. 410 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,519 It's no bigger than nancy's. 411 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,322 And this guy comes charging In there with a .38 special, 412 00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:19,294 And he yells, "Freeze it, honky, Or I'll blow you to milwaukee." 413 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:20,929 Almost rhymes. 414 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:26,501 Then I drop it, and He gives me a big hug! 415 00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,570 Go ahead, wojo. Book him. 416 00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:30,205 Sit down over here. 417 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:33,141 Come on. 418 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:36,078 Hey, earl. What Are you doing here? 419 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,402 You snatch another purse? 420 00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:45,320 Mr. Kelso, have you Made your mind up yet? 421 00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:46,654 Oh, yeah. 422 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:47,823 Forget it. 423 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,858 Oh? You're not pressing charges? 424 00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,694 I think he's suffered Enough, don't you? 425 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,096 It's up to you. 426 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,931 Then you're releasing me? 427 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,766 You're not under arrest. 428 00:20:58,790 --> 00:21:00,368 Oh. 429 00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:03,205 Right. 430 00:21:05,298 --> 00:21:08,877 I'm, uh, gonna give you A break, mr. Mind reader. 431 00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,445 Hope you appreciate it. 432 00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:11,646 Thank you. 433 00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:14,349 Sure. 434 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:16,051 Hey, kelso! 435 00:21:16,075 --> 00:21:17,319 Yeah? 436 00:21:17,343 --> 00:21:20,711 Forget about the jewelry Store on lexington. 437 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,648 Get out of there! 438 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:30,399 All right, you can Turn pollock loose. 439 00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:32,133 I've signed the complaint. 440 00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:35,671 Appreciate you coming down. 441 00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,472 Oh, ron, your Broker just called. 442 00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:39,074 Called earlier, too. 443 00:21:39,098 --> 00:21:42,411 Uh, thanks. 444 00:21:42,435 --> 00:21:48,550 You know, I'll bet you Just got hold of a bad jar. 445 00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:51,987 I never had your pickles. 446 00:21:52,011 --> 00:21:54,156 But, then, how Can you criticize? 447 00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:57,225 I mean, if you've never Enjoyed the old-fashioned, 448 00:21:57,249 --> 00:21:59,761 Down-home goodness Of aunt sally... 449 00:21:59,785 --> 00:22:03,532 Mr. Joyce, I'm not talking About the pickles, per se. 450 00:22:03,556 --> 00:22:06,601 I'm talking about the words You use to describe them... 451 00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:09,338 "Tongue-teasingest, Lip-smackingest, 452 00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:10,739 Crun-crun-crunchiest." 453 00:22:10,763 --> 00:22:13,775 I'm surprised you don't Say "Ko-ko-kosherest." 454 00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:15,611 Mr. Joyce, I really believe 455 00:22:15,635 --> 00:22:18,413 If you'll just say What you want to say 456 00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:21,182 With simplicity and Purity and precision, 457 00:22:21,206 --> 00:22:23,785 You'll sell a lot more pickles. 458 00:22:23,809 --> 00:22:25,453 "Ko-ko-kosherest." 459 00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:29,224 P-please! 460 00:22:29,248 --> 00:22:33,462 "Ko-ko-kosherest." 461 00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:37,387 Ko-ko... Kosherific. 462 00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:44,739 What? 463 00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:47,543 What are you talking about? 464 00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:49,244 Look, I had to go on a call. 465 00:22:49,268 --> 00:22:51,280 Couldn't you have Covered it yourself? 466 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,450 I understand. 467 00:22:55,474 --> 00:22:57,385 These things do happen. 468 00:22:57,409 --> 00:23:01,256 Right. 469 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,558 My eggs. 470 00:23:03,582 --> 00:23:06,728 I lost all my eggs. 471 00:23:06,752 --> 00:23:09,031 I'm sorry. 472 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:11,399 My broker needed more Money to cover the margin. 473 00:23:11,423 --> 00:23:13,769 He couldn't get a hold Of me, so he dumped them, 474 00:23:13,793 --> 00:23:15,203 And I lost $2,100. 475 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,139 I told you not to go. 476 00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:20,509 "I told you not to go." 477 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:23,645 Well, barn, I think I'll be Heading along back downtown. 478 00:23:23,669 --> 00:23:26,748 Uh, well, we didn't Finish, inspector, did we? 479 00:23:26,772 --> 00:23:29,151 No, no, but that's okay, barney. 480 00:23:29,175 --> 00:23:32,887 I'll polish them off by Myself, maybe on the subway. 481 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,123 Whatever you say, inspector. 482 00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:40,362 June 1, 1984. 483 00:23:40,386 --> 00:23:44,199 Doesn't that date mean Anything to you, barn? 484 00:23:44,223 --> 00:23:45,767 No. 485 00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:49,805 That's when they put me Out to pasture... Retire. 486 00:23:51,697 --> 00:23:53,241 I see. 487 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:56,745 After that, the old inspector Won't be coming down anymore, 488 00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:59,047 Telling you the old stories, 489 00:23:59,071 --> 00:24:02,451 Chewing off your ear Half the day at a time. 490 00:24:02,475 --> 00:24:08,189 I'll be able to be Here the whole day. 491 00:24:08,213 --> 00:24:11,593 Looking forward to it, barn. 492 00:24:11,617 --> 00:24:12,883 Toodle-oo. 493 00:24:19,725 --> 00:24:22,392 How come no one told Me about the variety show?